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Shopping for the redneck in your life.


From The News Herald

All rednecks are very patriotic. For this reason, I would suggest anything with an American flag or an eagle on it. If you want your relative to burst with patriotic pride, get him a statue of an eagle holding an American flag in its beak. Southern pride also can be categorized as patriotic. There is a smorgasbord of flea markets around that have a copious amount of confederate flag covered knickknacks, and several different commemorative Lynyrd Skynyrd concert tees. Rest in peace, Ronnie Van Zant.

Rednecks love to eat, but don’t waste your time and money on fruit cake or a fruit basket. Instead, personalize the redneck goody basket with only useful items. These would include: pork rinds, pickled eggs, pickled pig’s feet, (basically anything pickled will do) Vienna sausages, beef jerky, Texas Pete, Copenhagen, a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a cartoon of Winston. (Unless they are trying to cut back, in which case you should get Winston Lights)

Few rednecks can get through the holidays without at least one fire. When Cousin Billy Bob insists on deep frying the turkey in a homemade deep fryer in the backyard, you would be wise to be standing nearby with a fire extinguisher. If you make it through the deep fried turkey, chances are Billy Bob will need it in March when his dead Christmas tree catches fire.

Well Mrs. Fish, I can’t wait to see the list you prepare for the Blacks, Mexicans and Orientals.

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